Christians got stoned by the slaves in Allah in Dearborn. But there is no verse in the Quran commanding stoning. It can't be that the slaves of Allah will do things to Kuffars not exhorted to by Allah in his holy book. So, what happened to the stoning Verse of the Qur’an?
 Enemy of Allah: Goat ate Allah's stoning for adultery verse of Quran. |
That was a question that aroused a lot of discussion among the boys at Joe’s Bar and Grille and Gun Club. Surely the Christian protestors at Dearborn had not been stoned in vain. A. Nonymous, one of the bar’s most famous patrons, volunteered to make a study of stoning and this is his official report.
HOW ONE POOR SAP CAME TO BE STONED AND EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF A STUPID GOAT OR: HOW OLD BILLY ATE MUHAMMAD’S HOMEWORK
by A. NONYMOUS
And so it came to pass that Ma’iz b Malik approached Allah’s Apostle with a startling confession. Ma’iz might have been a little fellow but he was well constructed. He had the sinews of an ox and he was lusty—as lusty as an old goat. The sight of a naked female limb would set him all atremble and then he could not control himself.
And he was not the brightest of Allah’s slaves. He would have been as dumb as a stump, but there were few stumps in the desert; so they said he had the brains of an ancient bird—no, not the Ibis, but the Dodo.
So it came to pass that this man with the sinews of an ox, the lustiness of an old goat, and the brain of a Dodo approached Allah’s Apostle in the mosque. “I have committed adultery,” he screamed.
The Holy Prophet turned away from the man. Was Ma’iz mad? Was he drunk?
Standing beside the Prophet was his amanuensis, a swarthy fellow—Tonto was his name. Or maybe it was Tantum—he was one of a kind. There would not be another like him for 1,200 years. His face an imperturbable mask, he sat with a palm leaf in one hand and a stylus in the other ready to record for posterity anything of importance that might take place.
Ma’iz came once again to face Allah’s Apostle. “Oh, Allah’s Messenger,” he said. “I have committed adultery.”
The congregation was stunned. With the many slave women available and Allah being oft-forgiving this was an amazing declaration. Couldn’t he have waited for the next war against the infidels when hundreds, if not thousands of Lolitas would have become available? And there were numerous other outlets for his lustiness—there were no animal rights groups in existence in those days and plenty of animals. Perhaps he was mad.
“I have committed immorality,” insisted Ma’iz. “So inflict punishment on me.”
Tonto scribbled furiously on the palm leaf with his stylus.
The Prophet turned away from Ma’iz. He consulted with Ma’iz’s people about the state of the man’s mind.
“Oh, he has the sinews of an ox, the lustiness of an old goat and the brains of a Dodo bird,” they said. “He is just like the rest of us. We do not know of any ailment of his except that he has committed something about which he thinks that he would not be able to relieve himself of its burden but with the Hodd being imposed upon him.”
Ma’iz was not Saul on the road to Damascus; he was a Muslim on the road to Hell.
Yet once again Ma’iz approached Allah’s Apostle. By now no one was sure what was happening. There would be many versions about what took place next. Perhaps Ma’iz asked the Prophet to purify him. Purify him from what? From adultery! Was he drunk?
Allah’s Messenger asked someone to smell Ma’iz’s breath. No, no, he was sober—he smelled like he always did, a lusty licentious old goat, just like everyone else.
Obviously Ma’iz was not drunk or crazy. Perhaps he had only kissed the woman, embraced her. That was only a misdemeanor. No, no, he had committed adultery—he knew what adultery was. He was no fool.
The Prophet consulted with Allah. “Woe be upon you,” he said to Ma’iz. “Go back, ask forgiveness of Allah and turn to Him in repentance.” Then he turned away from Ma’iz for the third time.
Tonto had started on a new palm leaf. He scraped furiously with the blunt end of his stylus. He must clear enough space to record the words that were coming so fast he could scarcely keep up. If he should miss something he would never be forgiven. But he did not want to think about that. Maybe he should have switched to Papyrus.
But Ma’iz was persistent—a common trait of the Dodo bird. He would have purity or death. He approached Allah’s Apostle for a fourth time. He asked to be stoned—yes, stoned. Perhaps he thought the Prophet was Solomon or maybe Judge Roy Bean and would be merciful. He was indeed a Dodo. He had confessed four times to the crime of adultery. He placed his hand in the hand of the Prophet and said, “Kill me with stones.”
The controversy lasted two or three days. One side said Ma’iz had been undone by his sins and would deserve what he got. But there were others who thought Ma’iz had done enough repentance for the entire tribe.
Then Allah’s Messenger came to them while they were sitting and pronounced the sentence: Death by Stoning (Rajam).
And Tonto got it all down—not it black and white—but scratched into a palm leaf. But he was not happy. There must be a better way of recording history. He got his palm leafs together, tied them in a neat bundle and took them to Aisha, the Prophet’s wife, and she stored them beneath the bed with other important papers.
So it came to pass that Ma’iz was taken to the graveyard of Medina, the Baqi al-Gharqad, and those who were without sin stoned him. But they neglected to tie him up or to dig a ditch for him and Ma’iz having had seconds thoughts about being stoned ran off. The sinless pursued him to al-Harra. There, arming themselves with heavy stones they carried out the sentence of death.
…and then the Prophet died.
Shortly after the Great One’s death the first Caliph Abu Bakr ordered the words of Allah as transmitted to the Prophet by the Angel Gabriel be compiled into a single book. This would be the Qur’an.
When Tonto saw the finished product he was heartbroken. There was no stoning clause. A goat or a sheep had wandered into the Prophet’s house and had eaten the palm leaves detailing the stoning along with others before it could be collected into what Bill Maher has hysterically called “a book full of hatred.”
And that is why there is no stoning surah in the Qur’an.
Appendix to the original:
- The goat episode is believed to be the origin of “the dog ate my homework” excuse used by Tom Sawyer and a hundred thousand schoolboys to explain what happened to the paper they were supposed to have written for Miss Pulchritude’s fifth grade literature class.
- Tonto’s family migrated across the Aleutian land bridge to the North American continent where they have been usefully employed ever since.
- Joe of Joe’s Bar and Grille and Gun Club denies having any part in this study.
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Footnotes: Muslim 17:4209; 17:4191; 17:4194; 17:4196;
Nikah 1934